The lessons I've learned in my journey through empathy, emotional intelligence, nonviolent communication and beyond—and how to apply these principles and practices with your teams.

1. Empathy is an
Inside Job
Whitney Hess whitney@whitneyhess.com whitneyhess.com @whitneyhess

5. Einfühlung
“feeling into”

7. @wellreadblackgirl

8. @wellreadblackgirl

9. Cognitive
Emotional
Somatic
3 Types of Empathy

10. Mind
Heart
Body
A Whole Person

11. http://trinidadhunt.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/IQEQSQ_frontcut.jpg

14. @whitneyhess
EmpathyExceptional
Cautionary
• Have a hard time “reading” people
• Wait for their turn to talk, planning response
• Assume they know how other person feels
• Often surprised by what someone has
said or done
• Believe everyone thinks like they do

15. @whitneyhess
EmpathyExceptional
Cautionary
• Have a hard time “reading” people
• Wait for their turn to talk, planning response
• Assume they know how other person feels
• Often surprised by what someone has
said or done
• Believe everyone thinks like they do
More accurately read people’s moods and
non-verbal cues
•
Respect and relate well to people of
diverse backgrounds
•
Better predict others’ reactions •
Understand others’ perspectives
•
More effectively serve others’ needs •

16. @whitneyhess
Increased Social &
Emotional Intelligence =
• Increased work output
• Decreased turnover
• Less conflict
• Happier people

17. @whitneyhess

18. @whitneyhess

24. @whitneyhess
Nonviolent Communication Principles

25. @whitneyhess
All actions are attempts to meet needs
Nonviolent Communication Principles

26. @whitneyhess
All actions are attempts to meet needs
All needs are universal
Nonviolent Communication Principles

27. @whitneyhess
All actions are attempts to meet needs
All needs are universal
All feelings point to needs being met or unmet
Nonviolent Communication Principles

28. @whitneyhess
All actions are attempts to meet needs
All needs are universal
All feelings point to needs being met or unmet
All conflicts are about strategies, not needs
Nonviolent Communication Principles

29. @whitneyhess
1. Self-Empathy
2. Empathy for Others
3. Honest Self-Expression
Nonviolent Communication Process

30. @whitneyhess
Jackal Giraffe

31. @whitneyhess
“ﬔey won’t let me do it the right way.”
“She’s stuck in the past.”
“He never listens.”
“He derails every meeting!”
“She’s always changes her mind.”
“ﬔey totally don’t get it.”
“He doesn’t pull his weight.”
“ﬔey don’t take me seriously.”
“I don’t get any credit.”
“I just don’t fit in.”
“She doesn’t respect me.”
Jackal

32. @whitneyhess
“ﬔey won’t let me do it the right way.”
“She’s stuck in the past.”
“He never listens.”
“He derails every meeting!”
“She’s always changes her mind.”
“ﬔey totally don’t get it.”
“He doesn’t pull his weight.”
“ﬔey don’t take me seriously.”
“I don’t get any credit.”
“I just don’t fit in.”
“She doesn’t respect me.”
Jackal => Giraffe
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Request

33. @whitneyhess
Jackal => Giraffe
He derails every meeting
He attends our team calls (but he’s not on our team)
He asks questions that were previously asked & answered
He requests more iterations and alternate solutions
He began speaking while I was still speaking
He repeats his own ideas
He shared a key piece of information only at the end
I didn’t invite him to the meeting, then he walked in
I directed a question to someone else and he replied
OBSERVATIONS“When…”

34. @whitneyhess
MINE THEIRS
FEELINGS
NEEDS
“When he repeats his own ideas…”

35. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel…”
Frustrated Annoyed
Lost
Angry
Resentful
Uneasy
Withdrawn

36. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel…”
Frustrated Annoyed
Lost
Angry
Resentful
Uneasy
Withdrawn
“Because I need…”
Progress Trust
Order
Respect
Peace of Mind
Reassurance
Consideration

37. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel…”
Frustrated Annoyed
Lost
Angry
Resentful
Uneasy
Withdrawn
“Because I need…”
Progress Trust
Order
Respect
Peace of Mind
“I’m guessing he feels…”
Hesitant Guarded
Excited Frustrated
Curious
Hopeful
Reassurance
Consideration

38. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel…”
Frustrated Annoyed
Lost
Angry
Resentful
Uneasy
Withdrawn
“Because I need…”
Progress Trust
Order
Reassurance
Respect
Peace of Mind
Consideration
“I’m guessing he feels…”
Hesitant Guarded
Excited Frustrated
Curious
Hopeful
“Because he needs…”
Trust Inclusion
Contribution
Respect
Belonging
Competence
Consideration
To matter

39. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel…”
Frustrated Annoyed
Lost
Angry
Resentful
Uneasy
Withdrawn
“Because I need…”
Progress Trust
Order
Respect
Peace of Mind
“I’m guessing he feels…”
Hesitant Guarded
Excited Frustrated
Curious
Hopeful
“Because he needs…”
Trust Inclusion
Contribution
Respect
Belonging
Competence
Consideration
To matter
Reassurance
Consideration

41. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel annoyed…”
“Because I need progress…”
“I’m guessing he feels frustrated…”
“Because he needs consideration…”
REQUEST“I would like…”
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Request

42. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel annoyed…”
“Because I need progress…”
“I’m guessing he feels frustrated…”
“Because he needs consideration…”
REQUEST“I would like…”
if we could get his thoughts in writing
a specific time in the agenda for his input
a separate meeting to gather his feedback

43. @whitneyhess
1. Self-Empathy
2. Empathy for Others
3. Honest Self-Expression
Nonviolent Communication Process

44. @whitneyhess
Again?

45. @whitneyhess
“ﬔey won’t let me do it the right way.”
“She’s stuck in the past.”
“He never listens.”
“He derails every meeting!”
“She’s always changes her mind.”
“ﬔey totally don’t get it.”
“He doesn’t pull his weight.”
“ﬔey don’t take me seriously.”
“I don’t get any credit.”
“I just don’t fit in.”
“She doesn’t respect me.”
Jackal => Giraffe
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Request

46. @whitneyhess
Observation: “…”
“I feel…”
x x
x
x
x
x
x
“Because I need…”
x x
x
x
x
x
x
“I’m guessing they feel…”
x x
x x
x
x
“Because they need…”
x x
x
x
x
x
x
x
MINE THEIRS
FEELINGS
NEEDS

47. @whitneyhess
Jackal Giraffe
Self-Empathy
Empathy for Others
Honest Self-Expression
Self-Criticism
Judgment of Others
Blame and Shame

48. @whitneyhess
Nonviolent Communication
•Separate observations from judgments
•Care equally for everyone’s needs
•Practice self-empathy
•Commit to honest self-expression

49. @whitneyhess

51. @whitneyhess

52. ﬔank you!
Whitney Hess
@whitneyhess
whitneyhess.com
whitney@whitneyhess.com
Feelings & Needs Lists: http://bit.ly/adhocempathy

53. @whitneyhess
nycnvc.org
baynvc.orgcnvc.org
nvctraining.com

54. Self-Reflection: Empathy
ﬔink of the last time a coworker really
needed your understanding.
What outcome did they want from the
situation?
What did they do, say, think, feel?
How did you know what they really
needed, beyond their words?

55. Self-Reflection: Empathy
ﬔink of the last time a coworker really
needed your understanding.
What outcome did they want from the
situation?
What did they do, say, think, feel?
How did you know what they really
needed, beyond their words?

56. @whitneyhess

57. @whitneyhess