Historians love to argue over which president was the best. They rank them in such qualities as public persuasion, crisis leadership, moral authority, and administrative skills.
But an arguably much more important quality is a president’s fighting ability. How well could a president beat up another president? If there were, say, a tournament in which all 44 of them fought each other one-on-one, who would win?
To settle the issue once and for all, we charter the fighting abilities of all 44 presidents. Their skills are based on height, weight, military experience, and special abilities (boxing training, pain tolerance, psychological manipulation, etc.)
Presidential Fight Club: If All 44 Presidents Fought Each Other One-On-One, Who Would Win?
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www.presidentialfightclub.com
GEORGE
WASHINGTON
HEIGHT: 6’2
WEIGHT: 175
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
General of the Continental
Armies, American
Revolutionary War.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Athletic polymath. Washington mastered
nearly every sport of his day, including archery, horseback riding,
swimming, wrestling, iron-bar throwing, and sword fighting.
Washington was also more rugged than most politicians. While most
Easterners grew up in warm colonial homes, he spent his youth as
a backwoods surveyor in the Ohio Valley, building rafts out of trees
with his bare hands in frigid weather, fording rivers, and hacking
paths through thick forests. He was also fearless in battle: In a 1754
letter to his brother, he commented “I heard the bullets whistle, and,
believe me, there is something charming in the sound.”
JOHN
ADAMS
HEIGHT: 5’7
WEIGHT: 150
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Supreme self-assurance. He defended the five
British soldiers guilty of the Boston Massacre in 1770 in the city
itself, the hotbed of anti-British sentiment, and won the case. He can
also intimidate any opponent by his hideous ugliness. The opposition
called him a hermaphrodite “which has neither the force and
firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.”
JAMES
MADISON
HEIGHT: 5’4
WEIGHT: 100
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Colonel, Virginia Militia;
did not see action.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Being a little man with big courage. Despite
being America’s smallest president (his wife Dolley was two inches
taller, called him the “great little Madison,” and reportedly gave
him piggy-back rides) he is the only man to take up arms while
president—during the War of 1812 the British showed up at his door.
In response he grabbed two pistols, mounted a horse, and rode out to
the front lines despite having never fired a weapon.
THOMAS
JEFFERSON
HEIGHT: 6’2 1/2
WEIGHT: 175
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Colonel,
Virginia Militia. Commander
of Albemarle County Militia
at start of the American
Revolution; did not see action.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Superhuman intelligence. He is widely regarded
to be the smartest president in American history. He spoke seven
languages, played five musical instruments, and inventor (the
swivel chair, a new moldboard plow, and polygraph machine). He
helped design Washington D.C. And Monticello, and introduced
many crops to the United States (grapes, olive trees, apricot trees,
tomatoes).
JAMES
MONROE
HEIGHT: 6’0
WEIGHT: 190
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Major, Continental Army.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Natural soldier. He was sturdily built with broad
shoulders and a large frame, suiting him for the military life. In
1775 he was the youngest member of a patriot band that sized the
arsenal of the Governor’s Palace. The next year his regiment fought
with distinction in the failed defense of Manhattan Island. He was
wounded at the battle of Trenton and received a promotion to captain
for gallantry under fire.
JOHN
QUINCY
ADAMS
HEIGHT: 5’7 1/2
WEIGHT: 175
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Extreme versatility. He was the man of the house at
age eight when his father left and the Revolutionary War happened
right outside his house. He went with the elder Adams on his
European diplomatic journeys at age 14, serving as private secretary
and interpreter for the American minister to Russia. John Quincy
Adams also swam the Potomac every morning, naked, at 5 a.m., even
as a fifty-eight-year-old president.
MARTIN VAN
BUREN
HEIGHT: 5’6
WEIGHT: 165
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Master manipulator. He was known as the “little
magician” or the “red fox” for his ability to control and mastermind
elections. In 1832 he formed a political machine called the Albany
Regency that controlled New York politics for years, rigging
elections.
ANDREW
JACKSON
HEIGHT: 6’1
WEIGHT: 140
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Major
General, fought in American
Revolutionary War, War
of 1812, Creek War, First
Seminole War.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Scrappiness. Jackson was a frontier wrestler,
Revolutionary War POW, militia Indian fighter, and dueler with an
inability to surrender. A contemporary youth who squared off against
him in wrestling recalled “I could throw him three times out of four,
but he would never stayed throwed.” Jackson also never suffered an
insult without promising retaliation. He is rumored to have fought
over a hundred duels in his life and carried in his body two bullets
from separate encounters. While president, a would-be assassin
failed to hit Jackson, who beat him with his cane before a crowd.
WILLIAM
HENRY
HARRISON
HEIGHT: 5’8
WEIGHT: 140
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Major General, fought in
Northwest Indian War, War
of 1812
SPECIAL ABILITIES: War hero. In the War of 1812 Harrison’s army won
victories in Ohio, the Indiana Territory, recaptured Detriot, invaded
Canada, and defeated the British at the Battle of the Thames, killing
Indian leader Tecumseh.
JOHN
TYLER
HEIGHT: 6’0
WEIGHT: 160
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Captain,
Virginia militia, war of 1812
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Rock-hard conviction. He opposed his own party’s
federalist agenda, causing fellow Whigs to publicly expel him from
the party and his cabinet to resign. Tyler relished in the challenge
to his state’s rights beliefs and vetoed nearly everything sent to his
desk. He embraced his outlaw persona and renamed his plantation
“Sherwood Forest.”
ZACHARY
TAYLOR
HEIGHT: 5’8
WEIGHT: 170
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Major
General; fought in War of
1812, Black Hawk War,
Second Seminole War,
Mexican–American War.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Living up to his nickname “Old Rough and Ready.”
So nicknamed by fellow soldiers for his impressive military career
and winning against overwhelming odds. In the War of 1812 he
fought back six hundred Indians with a force of twenty soldiers and
civilians; in the Mexican-American War he defeated General Santa
Anna’s army of 20,000 with only 4,500 men.
JAMES K.
POLK
HEIGHT: 5’8
WEIGHT: 175
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Colonel,
Tennessee State Militia;
Joined cavalry unit in
Tennessee Militia as a Captain.
Subsequently appointed a
Colonel
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Napoleon complex. He had a feverish drive to
succeed due to what his biographer called “early physical inferiority.”
Polk drove himself ruthlessly, exploiting the abilities he did possess
to an extent few equaled.
MILLARD
FILLMORE
HEIGHT: 5’9
WEIGHT: 165
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Major, New York State
Militia; Served in New
York Militia in 1820s and
1830s; Organized Union
Continentals home guard
unit during the Civil War.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: The power of invisibility on account of being utterly
forgettable. The thirteenth president was chosen as Taylor’s vice
president only on account of being a Northeasterner. He failed to
quell the oncoming Civil War. In that battle he formed a forty-five-
man militia, but the only action they saw was marching in parades.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Stone-cold ruthlessness. Pierce fought at the end of
the Mexican-American War and led a brigade despite being thrown
from his horse and injured on the battlefield. He continued to bark
orders while completely immobile. While president, Pierce was
charged with running over a woman with his horse; the case was
thrown out due to a lack of evidence. He was also a chronic alcoholic
praised by his opponents as “the victor of many a hard-fought bottle.”
ABRAHAM
LINCOLN
HEIGHT: 6’4
WEIGHT: 180
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Captain, Black Hawk War
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Ultra-strong limbs due to wood chopping. Lincoln
spent thousands of hours chopping firewood on the frontier. A
neighbor said “If you heard his fellin’ trees in a clear’ you would
say there was three men at work.” He was also a county wrestling
champion and once lifted a local thug off the ground and shook him
like a rag doll. In 1992, Lincoln was inducted into the Outstanding
American wing of the National Wrestling Hall of Fame.
JAMES
BUCHANAN
HEIGHT: 6’0
WEIGHT: 200
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Private,
War of 1812
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Uhh...squeamishness? Buchanan is widely
considered America’s worst president for doing nothing to prevent
Southern succession. He is also a poor physical specimen: observers
noticed that he always cocked his head to the left to compensate for
one eye being nearsighted, the other farsighted. One of his eyelids
twitched, which led to a Jackson biographer describing Buchanan as
a “winking, fidgeting, little busybody.”
ANDREW
JOHNSON
HEIGHT: 5’10
WEIGHT: 175
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Brigadier General, Served
in Tennessee Militia in
1830s. American Civil War;
served as Military Governor
of Tennessee in 1862.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Winning as an underdog. As a child Johnson
was mocked for being fatherless, impoverished, and being sold as
an indentured servant to a tailor. He never went to school, taught
himself to read and write, and was chosen as Lincoln’s vice president
for little other reason than being a pro-Union Southerner during
the Civil War. While ranked as one of America’s worst presidents for
hampering Reconstruction, his grim determination earned respect
even from opponents.
ULYSSES S.
GRANT
HEIGHT: 5’8
WEIGHT: 160
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: General of
the Army, Civil War
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Aggressiveness on the battlefield. In his war-ending
1864 Overland Campaign Grant’s philosophy was to find his enemy,
strike him as hard as he could, and keep moving on. He had keen
intuition of the time that happens in every hotly-contested battle
when both armies are exhausted, the outcome hangs in the balance,
and the one that can steel itself for one more attack is more likely
to win. Grant applied this lesson to Shiloh, Champion’s Hill, and
Chattanooga.
JAMES
GARFIELD
HEIGHT: 6’0
WEIGHT: 185
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Major General, Civil
War; commanded an
Ohio Infantry Brigade at
the Battles of Shiloh and
Corinth
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Frontier grit. Garfield was born in a log cabin
without a father (about whom nothing was known save being a
famous wrestler) and got into frequent scraps as a child. He loved to
juggle Indian clubs that weighed fifty pounds each. Garfield was also
a southpaw—an advantage in any boxing match—and could write
Greek with one hand and Latin with another.
RUTHERFORD B.
HAYES
HEIGHT: 5’8 1/2
WEIGHT: 170
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Major
General, American Civil
War. Served in the 23rd Ohio
Infantry and commanded
future President William
McKinley
SPECIAL ABILITIES: High pain tolerance. Hayes fought in over fifty
Civil War engagements and survived being shot multiple times.
Once a shot tore a blood vessel. Despite bleeding out and vomiting
repeatedly, Hayes continued to command his troops and scattered
the rebels. In another encounter a bullet grazed his skull. He was
knocked unconscious but quickly came to and rejoined the fight.
CHESTER A.
ARTHUR
HEIGHT: 6’2
WEIGHT: 225
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Brigadier General,
Quartermaster General and
Inspector General of the
New York Militia before
and during the Civil War.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Master manipulator. He was a fixture in America’s
post-Civil War corrupt political machine politics, gaining power
through wheeling and dealing and doling out favors. Before
becoming Garfield’s vice president, he ran the New York Custom
House and could choose political candidates by throwing donations
and volunteers at them. Even as a child he could order others to do
his bidding.
GROVER
CLEVELAND
HEIGHT: 5’11
WEIGHT: 260
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None.
Paid George Benninsky
$150 to take his place after
Cleveland was drafted during
American Civil War under the
Conscription Act of 1863.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Mercilessness. As sheriff of Erie County, New York,
Cleveland fought against the death penalty, but to prove he would
apply the law fairly regardless of personal opinion, he himself hanged
a murderer. He was also rugged in his own way—Cleveland could
rip fence posts out of the ground with his bear hands and had fists
described as “ham-like.”
WILLIAM
MCKINLEY
HEIGHT: 5’7
WEIGHT: 200
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Brevet
Major, Civil War. Served
in the 23rd Ohio Infantry
under future President
Rutherford B. Hayes
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Avoiding being shot (at least until the one that did
him in). McKinley volunteered for the Civil War as an 18-year-old.
He worked in the kitchen and ran to the front lines under enemy fire
to provide soldiers food and water. His commander Rutherford B.
Hayes credited him for having “unusual and unsurpassed capacity.”
BENJAMIN
HARRISON
HEIGHT: 5’6
WEIGHT: 160
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Brigadier
General, Commanded an
Infantry Brigade at the battles
of Resaca, New Hope Church,
Kennesaw Mountain, Marietta,
Peachtree Creek and Atlanta.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Intractable stubbornness. Harrison was called
“cold-blooded” by Theodore Roosevelt for his coldness, diligence,
and formalness. He raised the 70th Indiana infantry during the Civil
War; despite having no military experience, he whipped the regiment
into shape as a strict disciplinarian. Once a drunken man broke into
the White House. Two security personnel failed to subdue it but
Harrison pinned him easily and held him in a vise-like grip despite
being in his 50s.
THEODORE
ROOSEVELT
HEIGHT: 5’10
WEIGHT: 220
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Colonel,
U.S. Army.New York National
Guard, 1882 to 1886, captain
and company commander.
Spanish–American War
service as second in command
and then commander of the
1st United States Volunteer
Cavalry (Rough Riders).
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Being the world’s most interesting man. Roosevelt
was a champion intramural boxer in college, practiced judo while
president, worked as a rancher in the Dakota territories and got in
fist-fights with cowboys, arrested outlaws, gave a ninety-minute
speech after being shot in the chest by a would-be assassin, and
explored an uncharted river in the Amazon following his failed
presidential bid for the Bull Moose Party.
WILLIAM
HOWARD TAFT
HEIGHT: 5’11 1/2
WEIGHT: 340
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Enormous girth. Topping the scales at 350 pounds,
he ate so much he would nod off in the middle of meetings and
conversations. The girth could work in favor of Taft’s unique fighting
skills—he was Yale’s intramural heavyweight wrestling champion.
Nevertheless he was a man of restraint and a strict constructionist in
his legal outlook. Taft told a friend “I am a man of peace and don’t
want to fight. But when I do fight, I want to hit hard. Even a rate in a
corner will fight.”
WARREN G.
HARDING
HEIGHT: 6’0
WEIGHT: 175
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Living to middle age despite a horrendous diet.
Harding had hypertension, diabetes, constant chest pains, and
difficulty breathing. One look at his diet explains it all. His typical
breakfast included scrambled eggs and bacon, wheat cakes with
maple syrup, corn muffins, toast, and gallons of coffee. Frankfurters
and waffles filled the rest of the day. To nobody’s surprise, Harding
died of a heart attack in 1923.
WOODROW
WILSON
HEIGHT: 5’11
WEIGHT: 170
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Being president while nearly dead. Most historians
agree Wilson’s wife Edith effectively became president after
Woodrow suffered a stroke. America didn’t have a fully functioning
chief executive for eighteen months. His poor health goes back to
childhood, when he suffered indigestion. In college Wilson nearly
collapsed under the work load. In 1895, a retinal hemorrhage left
him with poor vision in his right eye; he was nearly blind at the time
of his death.
CALVIN
COOLIDGE
HEIGHT: 5’10
WEIGHT: 150
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Extreme caution. Coolidge would not make any
hasty moves in a fight. However, he might not make any moves. He
was chronically shy and feared meeting strangers well into adulthood.
Coolidge’s health was little better. He suffered from chronic
respiratory ailments. As president he underwent frequent asthma
attacks, hay fever, bronchitis, and stomach upset. Coolidge coughed
so much that he feared he had tuberculosis.
HERBERT
HOOVER
HEIGHT: 5’11
WEIGHT: 185
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Self-reliance. Hoover was orphaned at age nine,
fell in with a gang of Native American boys who taught him how to
survive in the wild, and lived with a ruthless uncle. He was focused,
fearless, and driven. He barely took vacations and had few hobbies
except for “Hooverball,” a self-concocted sport in which opponents
stand on opposite sides of a net and throw ten-pound medicine balls
back and forth. A friend of his described it as “more strenuous than
either boxing, wrestling, or football.”
HARRY S.
TRUMAN
HEIGHT: 5’9
WEIGHT: 170
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Colonel, served in combat
in France during World
War I (1917–1918)
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Luck. Truman may have led a top-notch battery
in World War I France, but it was sheer blind luck that got Harry
ahead in life (don’t discount luck in a fight: Napoleon believed that a
lucky general was better than a good one). Truman failed in business
following the war, but the uncle of a war buddy was Tom Pendergast,
the corrupt Democratic boss of Kansas City. He handed Truman a
job, then later a Senate seat for Missouri. He became vice president,
Roosevelt died, and the rest is history.
FRANKLIN D.
ROOSEVELT
HEIGHT: 6’2
WEIGHT: 190
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Fearlessness. Lyndon Johnson said FDR was “the
only person I knew, anywhere, who was not afraid.” And he was quite
hearty before coming down with polio at age 39. Like his distant
cousin Teddy, FDR suffered many illnesses as a child but fought back
by throwing himself into the outdoors. He loved to swim, box, sail,
fish, and jog. But overall he had incredible composure under stress
due to his supreme assurance of the importance of what he was
doing.
DWIGHT D.
EISENHOWER
HEIGHT: 5’10 1/2
WEIGHT: 170
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
General of the Army.
Stateside service during
World War I; served
as Supreme Allied
Commander in Europe
during World War II
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Boxing champion. Forget about Ike’s military
experience as Supreme Allied Commander (although it doesn’t
hurt to mention that Gen. Douglas MacArthur thought of the
then-Lt. Col. Eisenhower as the “best officer in the army.”). He was
an excellent boxer and once trashed a former professional fighter.
During a furlough from West Point, Eisenhower fought Dirk Tyler,
famed for his fisticuffs. He landed several blows to Tyler’s jaw, and the
fight ended almost as soon as it began. In later years Eisenhower only
spoke with pity at how badly he beat up the former pro.
JOHN F.
KENNEDY
HEIGHT: 6’0
WEIGHT: 175
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Lieutenant (navy). Served in
combat during World War II.
Received the Navy and Marine
Corps Medal and the Purple
Heart.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Incredible endurance under extreme pain.
Kennedy suffered Addison’s disease his entire life, causing terrible
physical suffering in his joints and abdomen. The left side of his body
was smaller than the right, producing chronic back pain. He wore a
metal brace and used crutches or even a wheelchair when the press
was out of view. Despite this, when in August 1943 his boat the PT-
109 was ripped apart by a Japanese destroyer, Kennedy (now with
a ruptured spinal disk) swam four hours with his crew to an island
while towing an injured crewman by the life-jacket strap with his teeth.
RICHARD
NIXON
HEIGHT: 6’0
WEIGHT: 175
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Commander, US Naval
Reserve. Served in World
War II; earned two battle
stars for service in the
Pacific.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Ruthlessness. Psychoanalysts have described Nixon
as narcissistic, suspicious, and secretive out of a fear of passivity,
appearing soft, or being dependent on others. Nixon is categorized
as a compulsive liar who did so to win the pettiest of fights, and he
did so most viciously to deny he lied. He plotted to kill journalist
Jack Anderson for exposing his corruption (two ideas were to plant
poison in his medicine cabinet and smear a lethal dose of LSD on his
steering wheel).
LYNDON B.
JOHNSON
HEIGHT: 6’3
WEIGHT: 200
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Commander, US Naval
Reserve. Fought in World War
II. Received Silver Star medal
after observation mission in
which aircraft he was on came
under Japanese attack.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Master of psychological intimidation. When it
came to dealing with others psychologically, he was like Mozart at
the violin. Johnson ran the Senate with military efficiency by bullying
colleagues with a method called the Johnson Treatment. He’d engulf
them physically with his big Texas frame, putting his arm around
them, nudging and jabbing, or even lifting them up by their lapels.
He’d promise rewards and threaten punishments along the way.
For his six years as Senate leader he made it work like it never did a
century before.
GERALD
FORD
HEIGHT: 6’0
WEIGHT: 190
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: US
Naval Reserve, Lieutenant
Commander. World War
II (1942–1945); combat on
USS Monterey, discharged
in 1946.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Being America’s most athletic president. Ford
excelled in college football at a time when meager padding made
the sport more like rugby. One coach said he was so meticulous that
having Ford on the field was like having another coach. The Green
Bay Packers and Detroit Lions recruited him for his skill and high
pain threshold. He turned down the NFL to attend Yale Law School
but was only accepted on the condition he coach the boxing program
despite having never boxed in his life.
JIMMY
CARTER
HEIGHT: 5’9 1/2
WEIGHT: 160
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Lieutenant
(navy). Served during World
War II as a midshipman at the
United States Naval Academy.
Sea duty and stateside service
1946–1953 during the Korean
War.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Speed and memory. Carter was a standout
basketball player at his high school in Plains, Georgia. He played
baseball in the navy and ran cross country. Carter often ran for
recreation during his White House days, which was at the height of
the running craze in the late 1970s. Carter has also taken a memory
retention course, so he will be able to mentally record his opponent,
play back their attacks in his mind, and scan for any weaknesses.
GEORGE H.W.
BUSH
HEIGHT: 6’2
WEIGHT: 195
MILITARY EXPERIENCE:
Lieutenant, Naval Reserve.
Navy pilot in World War
II (1942–1945). Shot
down and received the
Distinguished Flying Cross.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Being a flying ace, oil drilling spymaster. Despite
his grandfatherly demeanor as president, George H.W. Bush was
a tough youth. He was a commissioned naval aviator in World
War Two at age 18, the youngest in the Naval Reserve. On a 1944
bombing run his Avenger aircraft was hit but he still completed his
attack, scoring several hits before bailing out of his aircraft into the
Pacific, waiting for hours in an inflatable raft. During his 20s and
30s he worked at a breakneck speed as an oilman, a job so rough it
knocked him down with a bleeding intestinal ulcer. He was director
of the CIA from 1976-1977 (any training he received in enhanced
interrogation techniques remain classified).
RONALD
REAGAN
HEIGHT: 6’1
WEIGHT: 185
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: United
States Army Reserve, United
States Army Air Corps.
Captain, Stateside service
during World War II (1942–
1945); Army Reserve (1937–
1942).
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Supreme health and shrugging off bullets. Reagan
was a natural athlete. After high school he worked as a life guard
for five summers, pulling seventy seven to safety. At Eureka College
he was an undersized but over-performing lineman. He also ran
track and was captain of the swim team. In 1981, John Hinckley
Jr. shot him in the chest. Despite losing three pints of blood, when
Reagan arrived at the hospital he walked himself into the emergency
room. According to his doctors the septuagenarian Reagan had the
“physique of a thirty-year-old muscle builder.” He worked out so
much at his White House gym and gained so much muscle he had to
buy new suits.
BILL
CLINTON
HEIGHT: 6’2
WEIGHT: 220
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Charming enemies into forfeiting. Clinton has
never been healthy. He was frequently overweight as president
despite regular jogging. He suffered from chronic laryngitis caused
by inhalant allergies and the leaking of stomach acid into his throat.
He is allergic to must, mold, pollen, and dairy. He also suffers from
bleeding hemorrhoids. But his true power was his charm. Clinton,
like FDR, had the ability to make people on opposite sides of an issue
believe he stood with them. Clinton claimed his powers of empathy
allowed him to actually feel the pain of others. He could turn enemies
into friends like few other politicians.
GEORGE W.
BUSH
HEIGHT: 5’11 1/2
WEIGHT: 191
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Texas
Air National Guard, First
Lieutenant. Stateside service
as pilot during Vietnam War
(1968–1973). Received early
discharge in 1973.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Stamina. As president George W. Bush ran several
miles a day, five days a week. He ran so quickly that his security detail
had to follow him on bikes. Although Bush was a hard partier in his
youth (he consumed large quantities of the “Four Bs”—beer, bourbon
and B&B liquor), Bush quit drinking at age forty and has kept up
excellent health since then. He also has lightning reflexes. In 2008,
Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi threw two shoes at Bush during
an Iraqi press conference, shouting “This is a farewell kiss from the
Iraqi people, you dog”; the president successfully dodged both.
DONALD
TRUMP
HEIGHT: 6’2
WEIGHT: 235
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Actual ring experience. While Trump has no
military experience beyond a few years of his childhood at the
New York Military Academy (he said those five years gave him
more military training than the military could), he is the only
president with actual experience in the professional wrestling ring.
In 2007, Trump faced off against WWE owner Vince McMahon at
WrestleMania 23. The two sexagenarians threw down in the ring,
and McMahon lost the match, having his hair buzzed off as part of
bet. Trump was later inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, again,
the only president to do so.
BARACK
OBAMA
HEIGHT: 6’1
WEIGHT: 180
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: None
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Great jump shot. Obama is well known for his
love of basketball and frequently played pickup games during his
presidential campaigns. While this sport does not directly translate
into fighting, his basketball aptitude goes all the way back to high
school, where he had the nickname “Barry O’bomber.” He graduated
from Punahou High School in Hawaii, which has racked up 322 state
championships. Obama is reported to have led Occidental College
in scoring in 1979 (whether he was on the JV or Varsity team is
unknown).
FRANKLIN
PIERCE
HEIGHT: 5’10
WEIGHT: 145
MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Brigadier
General; New Hampshire Militia,
1831–46; Mexican–American
War; commanded Infantry
Brigade at Battle of Contreras,
Battle of Churubusco, and the
Assault on Mexico City.
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