1. Couples and the New Technology!
Laurel Fay, M.S., LCMFT
Pro Bono Counseling Project – 20th Year
15th Annual Mary Douglas Wells Speakers Forum
April 8, 2011

2. What is the New Technology?!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/exalthim/3999403503/

3. Many Paths to Connection!
AIM digg Facebook Flickr Google Linkedin
MySpace Twitter YouTube Y! Messenger Wordpress Yahoo!
Skype Blogger Delicious Windows Live hi5 lastfm

4. www.flickr.com/photos/ajc1/503165914/sizes/t/in/photostream/

5. “The World Is
Obsessed With
Facebook”

6. www.flickr.com/photos/rosauraochoa/3419823308/sizes/z/in/photostream/

7. www.flickr.com/photos/mringlein/3085388069/sizes/m/in/photostream/
www.flickr.com/photos/trucknroll/5058346018/sizes/o/in/photostream/

10. Why do we need to talk about this?!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/exalthim/3999403503/

11. Couples therapists report:
§ An increase in the number of cases with an
Internet component (Cooper & Griffin-Shelley, 2002)
§ They struggle with appropriate treatment
strategies in these cases (Nelson, 2005)
§ One study found that a majority (73%) are
not trained in their programs to deal with
this problem in treatment
(Goldberg, Peterson, Rosen and Sara, 2008)

12. www.flickr.com/photos/henrybloomfield/2828774204/sizes/o/in/photostream/

13. A new way of seeing!
www.flickr.com/photos/molas/120654792/sizes/l/in/photostream/

14. Content vs. Process:!
what it enables vs. what role it plays!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/walkadog/3484426248/

15. Why is the
Internet so
attractive and
powerful?

16. Theories

17. Interactive
Intoxicating Inexpensive
Cyberhex
Model
of the
Isolating Internet Integral
Imposing
Carnes et al (2001)

18. Online Disinhibition Effect
Suler, 2004
§ You don’t know me (anonymity)
§ You can’t see me (anonymity)
§ See you later (ability to get out easily)
§ It’s all in my head (line between fantasy
and reality is blurred)
§ It’s just a game (there are no
consequences to my online actions)
§ We are all equals (everyone is a peer)

19. ACE Model
Young, O’Mara & Buchanan, 2000
§ Anonymity
§ Convenience
§ Escape

20. The Seven “As” Contributing to
Internet-Related Intimacy Problems
Hertlein & Stevenson, 2010
1) Anonymity
2) Affordability
3) Accessibility
4) Approximation (of real life)
5) Acceptability
6) Ambiguity
7) Accommodation

21. UTQ Results – 2011 Survey

22. Gender!
TOTAL PERCENTAGE
FEMALE 118 77%
MALE 35 23%
TOTAL 153 100%

23. Age!
AGE FEMALE MALE TOTAL % % MALE %
FEMALE TOTAL
20-29 20 5 25 17% 14% 16%
30-39 58 17 75 49% 49% 49%
40-49 19 10 29 16% 29% 19%
50-59 14 2 16 12% 6% 10%
60-65 4 0 4 3% 0% 3%
65+ 3 1 4 3% 3% 3%
TOTAL 118 35 153 100% 100% 100%

24. Please rate to what extent social technologies
POSITIVELY affect your relationship
with your partner.!
COUNT PERCENTAGE
MALE 13 37%
FEMALE 45 38%
58 38%

25. Please rate to what extent social technologies
POSITIVELY affect your relationship
with your partner.!
COUNT PERCENTAGE
20-29 11 (OF 25) 44%
30-39 31 (OF 75) 41%
40-49 12 (OF 29) 41%
50-59 4 (OF 16) 25%
60-65 0 (OF 4) 0%
65+ 0 (OF 4) 0%

26. Please rate to what extent social technologies
NEGATIVELY affect your relationship
with your partner.!
COUNT PERCENTAGE
MALE 7 20%
FEMALE 24 20%
31 20%

27. Please rate to what extent social technologies
NEGATIVELY affect your relationship
with your partner.!
COUNT PERCENTAGE
20-29 5 (OF 25) 20%
30-39 15 (OF 75) 20%
40-49 9 (OF 29) 31%
50-59 1 (OF 16) 6%
60-65 1 (OF 4) 25%
65+ 0 (OF 4) 0%

28. How often do YOU use social media (e.g.,
Facebook, MySpace, Twitter)?
COUNT PERCENTAGE
MALE (A LOT) 29 83%
FEMALE (A 95 81%
LOT)
A LOT: answered few times/week or daily or all day or weekly
A LITTLE: answered monthly or rarely or never!

29. How often do YOU use social media (e.g.,
Facebook, MySpace, Twitter)?!
COUNT PERCENTAGE
20-29 (A LOT) 23 (OF 25) 92%
30-39 (A LOT) 65 (OF 75) 87%
40-49 (A LOT) 22 (OF 29) 76%
50-59 (A LOT) 12 (OF 16) 75%
60-65 (A LOT) 1 (OF 4) 25%
65+ (A LOT) 2 (OF 4) 50%
A LOT: answered few times/week or daily or all day or weekly
A LITTLE: answered monthly or rarely or never

30. How often does YOUR PARTNER use social
media (e.g., Facebook, MySpace, Twitter)?
COUNT PERCENTAGE
MALE (A LOT) 32 (OF 35) 91%
FEMALE (A 77 (OF 65%
LOT) 118)
A LOT: answered few times/week or daily or all day or weekly
A LITTLE: answered monthly or rarely or never!

31. How often do YOU use social media (e.g.,
Facebook, MySpace, Twitter)?
YOU YOUR PARTNER
SAYS
MALE (A LOT) 83% 65%
FEMALE (A 81% 91%
LOT)
A LOT: answered few times/week or daily or all day or weekly
A LITTLE: answered monthly or rarely or never!

32. In what ways you feel these pursuits have
impacted your primary relationship?
% MALES %
FEMALES
INCREASED OUR COMMUNICATION FOR THE 34% 25%
BETTER
DECREASED OUR QUALITY TIME TOGETHER 23% 30%
CAUSED ME TO DOUBT MY PARTNER’S FIDELITY 6% 3%
CAUSED ME TO BE JEALOUS OF THE TIME S/HE 26% 11%
SPENDS ON THE COMPUTER

33. In what ways you feel these pursuits have
impacted your primary relationship?
“I hate that she'll interact with all her
Facebook friends but me.”!

34. In what ways you feel these pursuits have
impacted your primary relationship?
“Fills my need for socializing without having
to either drag him with me to events or leave
him home with our daughter.”!

35. In what ways you feel these pursuits have
impacted your primary relationship?
“Because we both work using technology in
many ways it's made staying connected easier.
It becomes problematic when we choose to
communicate via technology vs. face to face.”!

36. In what ways you feel these pursuits have
impacted your primary relationship?
“There is not a jealousy but more a
resentment that the time and energy can be
placed in the games etc. but not to vulnerable
communication.”!

37. Social technology has brought
my partner and I closer.
14%!

38. I think MY use of social technologies is
negatively impacting our relationship.
10%!

39. I think MY PARTNER’S use of social
technologies is negatively impacting our
relationship.
10%!

40. I’d like to cut down on my use of social
technologies, but I don’t see how I can.
8%!

41. Anonymity
+
Accelerated
“Intimacy”
=
Pull of the Internet

42. What does
the New Technology
provide or enable?

43. We want to be:
loved
known
important
special
CONNECTED
www.flickr.com/photos/robwallace/109741959/sizes/o/in/photostream/

44. Global positives
§ The new technology shrinks the
world. Geography is irrelevant
§ It creates new opportunities,
professionally and personally
§ It augments personal relationships
(Cooper, McLoughlin & Campbell, 2000)
§ It increases connection

45. Positives for Couples:
§ Online dating: 1 in 8 marriages started on a
dating site (Huffington Post, 2010)
§ Builds connections with partner (Cooper, McLoughlin &
Campbell, 2000)
§ Can assist with conflict resolution
§ People enjoy using technology to
communicate with partners or potential
partners (Henline & Harris, 2006)
§ Technology as a way to build transparency
and intimacy

46. Negatives for couples:
§ Problems with misunderstanding
§ Greater chance of “smothering”
§ Over-involvement may lead to neglect of
“real life” (Henline & Harris, 2006)

47. Global Negatives:
§ Issues related to cybersex and infidelity
§ Distraction
§ Paradox of Technology and Connection

48. Cybersex
§ Approximately 20% of all Internet users report in
engaging in some sexual activity online (Cooper, Scherer
and Mathy, 2001)
§ Cybersex has major negative impact on relationships
(Cooper, Delmonico, & Burg, 2000; Barak and Fisher, 2002)
§ Greater secrecy about internet use – 70% of those
who pursue sexual interests online keep secret how
much time they spend online (Cooper, Scherer, Boies & Gordon,
1999)
§ Boundary crossings more possible
§ Major factor for women in separation or divorce
(Schneider 2003)
§ Decrease in desire for relational sex
§ Comparing oneself negatively to online partner
§ Feelings of betrayal

49. Case example
Facebook

50. Online Infidelity
§ What is it? Ambiguous nature, differing
opinions
§ Those in committed relationships saw
online sexual chat and emotional
involvement with an online contact as being
unfaithful to the primary relationship (Henline,
Lamke & Howard, 2007)
§ Online betrayal = offline betrayal (Whitty, 2005)
§ A symptom of underlying issues (Young et al, 2000)

51. Case example
The List

52. What is the cost of
constant connection?

53. “Distraction is to an intimate
conversation as water is to fire.
To love, you must slow down; you
must attend to the other person.”
- Edward Hallowell, Married To Distraction, 2010
www.flickr.com/photos/limonada/167352047/sizes/o/in/photostream/

54. The Culture of Distraction in
The Age of Interruption
Hallowell, 2010
§ Attention = intimacy
§ Distraction interrupts the dance
§ We’re too busy to pay attention to loved
ones; difficult to get their full attention too
§ FAST FAST FAST = continuous partial
attention
§ The new pressure is to make time and pay
attention

55. Case example
Crackberry

56. “We look to the network to defend us
against loneliness even as we use it to
control the intensity of our connections.”
- Sherry Turkle, Alone Together, 2010

57. The Paradox of Technology and Connection
Turkle, 2010
§ We have many “friends”, but little connections
§ We want more connection, but also want easy
escape
§ Tech promises to free us up, but tethers us to it
§ Technology instead of community
§ Boundaries eroded between “real” life and
online life
§ “Crazy busy”
§ Relationships è mere connections è intimacy
§ “Cyberintimacies slide into cybersolitudes”
§ Off the grid, we feel adrift

58. How do we know when
technology is a
problem for our clients?

59. Need for Thorough Assessment
§ Only 20% of therapists ask their clients about
cybersex use (Goldberg et al., 2008)
§ Failure to ask can lead to significant omissions
in treatment planning and subsequent clinical
interventions (Goldberg et al., 2008)
§ There is a real need for simple tools to assess
the technology use of family members who are
coming for therapy treatment (Hertlein & Webster, 2008)
§ Proper assessment can break through “don’t
ask, don’t tell”

60. Assessment Tools
Facebook Compulsion Inventory
(Pile, 2009)
Internet Sex Screening Test/ISST
(Delmonico, 1999)
Use of Technology Questionnaire/UTQ
(Fay, 2011)

61. Boundaries and Expectations
§ Develop a mutually agreed-upon policy
§ Don’t say anything online you wouldn’t
say to your partner face to face
www.flickr.com/photos/stitch/272090142/sizes/o/in/photostream/

62. Questions for Couples to Consider when
Developing an Acceptable Use Plan (AUP)
1. How much time is acceptable to spend on social
networking sites? On technology in general?
2. Should we be friends on Facebook?
3. Do we link our profiles to show that we are
together?
4. Is it appropriate to share passwords?
5. Do we “friend” exes?
www.flickr.com/photos/46578758@N00/3301231105/sizes/l/in/photostream/

63. Sample Treatment Protocol for Internet Infidelity
• Assessment of what the infidelity was:
• intensity x frequency x duration
• Get the story from each point of view
• What need did it meet/what did it give
• What did it cost/steal/take
• Can they each see it from the other’s side?
• Mutually agreed-upon definition of infidelity
• Regret?
• Relationship history: how did we get here?
• Assessment of commitment to relationship and to
therapy
• Goals – what do we want our relationship to look
like?

64. Moving Forward
• With a clear picture of new relationship in mind
• Plan for new commitment to connection through
transparency
• Communication:
• Frequent
• Face-to-face
• As a top priority
• Technology-free times together
• Freedom to bring up fears, concerns – building
on therapy gains

65. Communication
• Levels of Intimacy handout
• Couples confidentiality handout

66. New Boundaries Around Relationship
• Discussion of “real life” boundaries
• Discussion of online boundaries
• Acceptable Use Plan for technology
• Mutually agreed-upon (no parent-child)
• Times used
• Password sharing
• Facebook boundaries (status, chat, wall,
privacy, friends)
• No secret computers
• Conceptualized as externalizing threats to
couple – more time in the “new” = more trust

67. Using Technology to
Build Up the Relationship
• Assess if this is too difficult, too charged
• Can we “untaint” it and take technology back?
• Secret email accounts to build sexual tension
• PAIRS app
• Intimate texts
• Facebook
• Online marriage support sites (Power of Two)

68. More
windows
equals more
opportunities
for our
clients to
see,
understand,
and love
each other
www.flickr.com/photos/captaintim/2511680887/sizes/l/in/photostream/

69. laurel@laurelfay.com
facebook.com/laurelfaytherapy
twitter.com/laurelfay
Slides: http://slideshare.net/laurelfay
Rate my talk: http://spkr8.com/t/7103