Things you need to know and questions to ask before you get married

1. Marriage 101
Things you need to know and
questions to ask before you
get married
Javed Mohammed
Writer-Producer
Writer-
k2film@live.com
Copyright 2008

2. DISCLAIMER
DUE TO SUBJECT MATTER VIEWER DISCRETION
IS ADVISED
“Marriage is part science, part art, part what you
make it, part what you get, part blessing and part luck.
No one owns the patent or the copyright to a happy marriage. No
one is immune to problems in marriage.
But there is wisdom, history and traits that can tell us which marriages are
likely to work and which ones will fail. Marriage doesn’t guarantee
happiness but compared to the alternatives it’s the best option.
This Presentation is just a resource, of trying to
identify a process you can follow as you
navigate the journey to getting married. It will
hopefully get you jumpstarted and identify
questions you need to ask.
Let the journey begin. (This is the small print and sorry I’m no lawyer)

3. What is marriage?
Marriage is a
social, religious, or
legal union of
individuals.
In finding potential spouses it is important for both parties to know themselves, the
other, and the common vision and goals.

4. Why Marry?
On average married people are twice as
happy as their single counterparts.
Have better health, better self-esteem
Increased longevity
More financially well off
Live fulfilled lives
OK!! these are relative terms, but its
proven.

5. Marriage brings and produces
Almost every culture
has an institution
called marriage
which brings
together not only a
man and woman but
also their families.
The resulting union typically produces the next
generation of children who are provided a
nurturing upbringing with the support of the
parents and family.

6. Commitment
In different cultures there is If both partners see
a version of “till death do us marriage is for life and
part” divorce is not an option,
Under current “no fault” then they will find ways to
divorce laws it is easy to get make it work.
a divorce compared to older When problems arise the
times . number one priority has to
People are not as committed be the survival of marriage
to marriage as they used to (We are not talking about
be. chronically ill marriages filled
with physical or emotional
abuse etc)

7. Couples considering marriage need to
explore subjects like
Life’s overlapping circles
Life Goals
Values Culture &
Values
Career Future
Expectations
Appearance
& Personality
Education Friends
& Intellectual
level Roles in
Common
Goals
home
Religion
& Spirituality
Financial
responsibility In-laws &
Children Family
background
Yes it’s a lot but take
it ahmm, in small circles!

8. Like all great projects,
Marriage Needs
Good intentions
Exploration of each spouses
Goals, Values, Strengths,
Weaknesses, Expectations
Fundamentals
Integrity, Forgiving, Flexibility,
Forbearance
Consultation
Yourself, Family, Friends,
References
Prayers
“Most people spend a life time preparing for the wedding which lasts a day but don’t
plan for a marriage which can last a life time.”

9. How do you view marriage?
quot;...And
they
lived
happily
ever
after.quot;

10. Is it love?
I don’t know what the definitive
definition of love is but people
interpret certain emotions to be
love.
If you enjoy being with
someone and feel a bond that
may be just “liking” or certain
“intimacy”

11. Is it love? I don’t know what the definitive definition of
love is but people interpret certain emotions to be love.
If you enjoy being with
someone and feel a bond
that may be just “liking” or
certain “intimacy.”
If you have nothing in
common, your legs become
jelly and you have an intense
physical attraction, or sexual
desire and not much in the
way of communication that’s
“infatuation”.
If you enjoy the long term
relationship and want to be
with your partner for ever
through the ups and downs
that’s “commitment”.

12. Top 5 Reasons marriages
breakdown:
27% - Infidelity
18% - Family strains (+ Poor Communication)
17% - Emotional/physical abuse
13% - Mid-life crisis (+ change in priorities)
12% - Addictions (Workaholism, alcoholism,
gambling, etc.)
13% - Other (communication problems, growing
apart, business, sex ) Source: Marriageabout.com

13. Stages of Marriage
Honeymoon
Stage (We were made for each other)
+Energy
-Energy
Liking Passion
Or Infatuation (confused with love)

14. Stages of Marriage
Honeymoon
Stage (We were made for each other)
+Energy
-Energy
Reality (Remorse: What did I get myself into?)
Kicks in
Liking Passion Black Hole
Or Infatuation (confused with love)

15. Stages of Marriage
Honeymoon
Stage (We were made for each other)
+Energy Accommodation
Time
Stage (We can work it out)
-Energy
Reality
Kicks in
(Remorse: What did I get myself into?)
Liking Passion Black Hole Intimacy & Commitment
Or Infatuation (confused with love)

16. Stages of Marriage
Honeymoon
Stage (We were made for each other)
+Energy Accommodation
Stage (We can work it out)
Time
Transformation
-Energy
(There’s nothing more important to me than
My marriage: what can I do for you?)
Reality
Kicks in
(Remorse: What did I get myself into?)
Liking Passion Black Hole Intimacy & Commitment
Or Infatuation (confused with love)

17. Stages of Marriage
Success Stage
(This is like heaven on earth)
Honeymoon
Stage (We were made for each other)
+Energy Accommodation
Stage (We can work it out)
Time
Transformation
(There’s nothing more important to me than
-Energy
My marriage: what can I do for you?)
Reality
Kicks in
(Remorse: What did I get myself into?)
Liking Passion Black Hole Intimacy & Commitment
Or Infatuation (confused with love)

18. How do people find mates
• Fall in Love: we marry people
we know (meet school, work,
place of worship)
• Arranged Marriage: We are
introduced to them (very
common in the East) and in
traditional Western culture in
history
• Internet (eHarmony.com,
Match.com, Shadi.com,
Zawaj.com)
• Dating/Marriage Agencies

19. In the good old days
We are constantly
changing society. It is
hard to believe that at
the turn of the last
century and a good way
into it courtship and
not dating was the
common way that
potential spouses were
introduced. So what is
courtship?
“Courtship: system of rules, common
practices, and roles that guide young
people into marriage.”

20. ve
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more conflict

21. Don’t Delay Marriage
There is no magic number in
terms of age to get married
Some people marry their
high school sweetheart and
live happily ever after
Happiest marriages are
between age of 23 and 27:
couple is mature but not too
set in their ways, or been
getting into too many
relationships (Virgins 24-37% less likely to divorce: more sexual
fidelity in marriage and less infertility problems )
Source: Glenn 2005

22. Looking for your partner on
the Internet.
The various sites that have popped up
on the Internet can be a useful tool in
finding a match.
Internet is a good tool for filtering,
browsing and matching characteristics
However, we are humans so proceed
with caution. The Internet is
anonymous so without checking into
the backgrounds of people you are
more vulnerable than compared to
being introduced or meeting someone
you know personally.

23. Why people marry?
Pressure from
parents, peers or
society
Fill an urge (sensual,
sexual) or spiritual
void
To escape loneliness,
or other negative life
changing events.
Get citizenship
Financial security

24. How people marry?
• One person trades a
trait for another e.g.
• money for beauty
• experience or
position for youth.
• Or we find a
complimentary partner
• You are the quiet
type, he/she is
outgoing

25. How people marry?
• Sometimes Opposites attract
• But the danger is at
some point they may also
repel
• Time and place play a role
• When the timing is right
or just by proximity, the
closer you are
geographically the
greater the chance that
you’ll meet the “right
one.”

26. Positive Traits in a marriage
Both partners come
from a happy/stable
family background.
Honest and Open
communication
Empathetic listening
Acknowledgement of
feelings
Constructive Conflict

27. More good traits: It’s not only important
where you both are today but your ability to grow and adapt to
change.
There will be many
challenges in life from
financial to others. If
you have the virtues of
Patience, Perseverance,
Thrift, fortitude, wisdom,
loyalty, generosity
You will not only be a
good spouse but also a
good father or mother,
community member and
citizen.

28. More good traits: There are so many
problems that are far beyond us as humans
We all need spiritual
grounding
Couples who have a
common faith and pray
together are more likely
to enjoy a stable and
blissful married life.
Differences in not only faith but level of
practice can compound marriages not only for
the spouses but also for the resulting
confusion that it causes for children.

29. Obstacles that can Cause
Conflict in a marriage
Divorce (Partner or parents)
Having different religious
backgrounds
Marrying too young or
delaying for too long.
Rushing into marriage
Children from previous
marriage
Living together prior to
marriage
& Bad Karma is angry,
resentful families, low trust,
judgmental, poor morals,
infidelity, immaturity (wrong
expectations), aloof, cold,
emotional, pessimistic outlook
on life

30. Obstacles: Adultery
Adultery in many societies is the #1 reason for divorce this must
be addressed head on.
Watch out for men who are interested in pornography. These
days with the Internet and DVDs etc it is very easy to fall into
that trap.
Find out what the attitudes are of your potential spouse to
members of the opposite sex. Find out if they will agree to
these:
There are certain boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed when
dealing with members of the opposite gender.
Never be alone with a member of the opposite sex at work or
travel or any other situation where one may become vulnerable to
crossing the line.
Deal with members of the opposite sex in a formal business like
way.

31. Know your own Expectations
What is important for me in
life?
What are the things that I
absolutely want in a
potential spouse?
What are the things that I
absolutely cannot tolerate in
a potential spouse?
Where am I willing to
compromise on?

32. Make a Checklist
Criteria You Spouse
Appearance, Age,
Race (External)
Personality (Internal)
Education &
Intellectual level
Religion & Spirituality
Cultural Background
& Interests
Career Goals
Family Centric and
Make a list of the Characteristics, qualities,
values and values you desire in a marriage partner.
Social Class &
Economic status

33. Checklist continued
Criteria You Spouse
Serious vs.
Lighthearted
Interests and hobbies
Zeal and Energy
Picky or Easygoing
Meticulous or Sloppy
Grooming &
Cleanliness
Make a list of the Characteristics, qualities,
and values you desire in a marriage partner.

34. Grade it
What: Must you have?
(otherwise deal breaker)
You can live with
Don’t care
Put a “+” for anything
positive, “-” for anything
you would rate poorly
You can make it as simple
or as complex as you like.
The value is not in the
numbers, it’s in the
exercise.
If you have too many
criteria the pool of potential
candidates will diminish.
Remember you’re spouse won’t be perfect and neither are you.

35. Make Deposits often
Couples who show Affection,
and empathy are more likely
to have marital bliss
But you can never take it for
granted. It needs constant
work and change with time.
Make deposits in the
emotional bank account.
Acknowledge and respect
your differences and give
each other space.
Play to your natural
biological roles.

36. Getting to know each other is
like well; peeling an onion
There’s only so much you can discover before
marriage, the rest is a life time process
Real Your Real Spouse’s self image
You Image of you Spouse
Your How spouse perceives
Image of others others
How others How others
Perceive you Perceive spouse

37. Explore commonalities and
differences
Are your goals aligned?
Do you have enough in common to hold you
together?
Can you live with your differences in
mannerisms and temperament
Are your social, educational, spiritual levels
and family backgrounds fairly well aligned? If
not will that be a problem down the road or
maybe even a non-starter

38. Marriage isn’t a 50:50 Venture
Just as in business 50:50 ventures rarely survive. Why?
Any institution whether it be a corporation, partnership or marriage can
have one CEO or head or arbiter of decisions.
Although consultation is a must in all major (and depending on what
your pet peeves are minor ) decisions, someone has to make a call.
Each spouse needs to feel like the other is making a valuable
contributions to the marriage
Keeping score is not a good way to run a marriage
Each spouse has different strengths, and interests; play to them.
Strive towards mutual dependency.
Be the first to forgive, forget and move on.

39. Seek out your family and friends:
You are only as strong as your social group
For all major decisions
see the advice of family,
sincere friends, and
knowledgeable people
For religion: Your
Minister/Imam/Rabbi
For money matters: A
financial advisor
For health:….

40. So are you ready for
marriage?
Hopefully the answer is yes, we want to help you
along, but there are going to be many many
questions along the way that you have to ask
yourself, your potential spouse and those people
around you. The questions included in the Reference
section are meant to be a guideline. Some may make
sense for you, some may not. Some you will think of
your self. Go with the flow.
The questions center around Why are you getting married, i.e. your motives?
Finding out your partners history, and looking at your common goals and
expectations.

41. Reference Slides
Questions to Ask

42. Questions to ask a prospective
husband
What is the biggest change he
has to deal with? Has he ever
lost a job? How did he deal with
it?
How does he relate to other
women and what are his
expectations of his versus wife’s
role at home?
Does he want a traditional wife
who will be a stay at home
mom or does he want someone
with a career?
What makes him happy, angry.
What does he do when he gets
emotional?
How does he handle a crisis?

43. More questions to ask a
prospective husband
How does he deal with
money matters?
What does he expect from
his wife and children?
What is his family like?
What is his medical
background?
Where does he want to live?
How does he view Parent-in-
laws and what is their role in
marriage?

44. Questions to ask a prospective
wife
What are her expectations
about gender roles?
How does she relate to other
men?
How does she deal with
money matters?
What is her family like?
What makes her happy,
angry. What does she do
when she gets emotional?

45. More questions to ask a
prospective wife
What are her career versus
family plans. Does she like
children, would she like to
have them, if so when would
she like to start a family?
What is her medical
background?
Where does she want to
live?
How does she view Parent-
in-laws and what is their role
in marriage?

46. Questions to ask either spouse
How is your relationship with your
siblings (past and present)?
Describe your childhood? Was it a
happy one? If not why?
What values of parents would you like
to keep and which would you change?
What are your strengths?
What are your weaknesses (This is
not a job interview so people must be
candid)
Have you ever failed at anything?
How did you react? What did you
learn?
If I met your best friend what would
they say about you?
In your last couple of reviews what
were the areas your boss said needs
most improvement?

47. Questions to ask either spouse
What is your philosophy of
life?
What role does culture play
in your life?
How forgiving are you?
Do you have any strong
political views?
Do you or your family have
any medical history which
could cause an illness to be
passed onto the children
(e.g. heart disease,….)
Are there any past
relationships you have had
that could impact our
marriage?

48. Explore commonalities and
differences
Are your goals aligned?
Do you have enough in
common to hold you
together?
Can you live with your
differences in mannerisms
and temperament?
Are your social, educational,
spiritual levels and family
backgrounds fairly well
aligned? If not will that be a
problem down the road or
maybe even a non-starter

49. Family
What do you think
parents/extended family’s role
should be in making important
decisions: wedding planning, child
rearing, vacations, where you will
live?
What do you do if there is a conflict
between your spouse and your
family?
Are you comfortable living with
extended family, particularly as they
age? Are other accommodations
possible?
How much time do you anticipate
spending with your extended family,
in person or by phone?
Would you describe the character of
your family members?
What have you learned from
observing your family that you do or
do not want to incorporate into your
marriage?

50. Profession
What career path do you plan on
taking?
Will both husband and wife work
outside the home?
Under what conditions would you be
willing to move to further your or
your spouse’s professional growth?
How much time do you spend at
work?
How do you plan to balance time at
work and time with the family?
What kind of business functions will
you ask each other to host/attend?
Would you encourage/support the
idea of me going back to school for
advanced degrees?
How would we support ourselves if
we both had to be in school?

51. Not to be ignored!
SOCIAL LIFE
How do you like to
spend your free time?
Who do you socialize
with now. How will that
change going forward?
How much time do you
want to spend time with
friends? By yourself? As
a couple?

52. Not to be ignored!
WHERE TO LIVE
Where do you want to
live?
Why?
Near family?

53. Not to be ignored!
CHILDREN
Would you, When,
How many children?
What kind of parent
do you think you will
be?
What is your
parenting philosophy?
Will one of us stay
home after we have
children?

54. Not to be ignored!
HOUSE
How do you feel about
cleanliness, neatness
and housework?
Who is responsible for
work around the house?
If we were both
working and we both
got home about the
same time, would you
expect the wife to
always be the cook?

55. Character not just chemistry
Response to criticism: defensive or
active listener
How they deal with financial
hardship
Courtship is about marriage: open
and honest exploration of each
others lives and families leading up
to engagement and marriage
Conflict Issues
How will we make decisions
together?
Are we both willing to face into
difficult areas or do we try to avoid
conflict?
Are we both willing to work on our
communication skills and to share
intimately with each other?
What are your pet peeves?

56. Reference check
Check out References not only from
people your spouse refers you to but
anyone you can find through your
network. Ask their peers, friends, at
place of worship, their work
(discreetly). Let them know this is
regarding marriage so their should
be no secrets withheld or surprises.
How long have you known prospect
spouse and their family?
What are they good at? What should I
watch out for?
How do they handle pressure? Have you
seen them angry?
Do you trust them? Are they reliable?
How are their manners?
How do they behave with members of
the opposite sex?
Have you ever travelled with them?

57. Reference check
Do they have strong
opinions? If so about what?
Do they pick fights or what
do they do in a conflict
situation?
How do they express
difference of opinion?
How do they treat their
bosses, peers, and junior
people?
Are they a leader or
follower?
Are they tactful?
Do they get bothered easily?

58. Conditions you put in marriage
contract:
If a dispute can’t be resolved who
and how will it be arbitrated, e.g.
parents, counselor,
Priest/Imam/Rabi.
Both spouses agree that if one of
them needs to seek any type of
counseling or consult, the other one
has to follow.
To live in separate housing from the
in-laws.
To remain in a residence close to
her/his parents.
No one has the right to
physically/emotionally harm each
other.
The husband agrees that the wife
will work outside the home.
Any other prenuptials

59. The Final test
1. Are we compatible?
2. Do I feel satisfied and at peace
with the level of my readiness for
marriage?
3. Does the whole idea of getting
married to this person feel right
and comforting to you?
4. Does this person make you a
better person?
5. Would you rather be with this
person than with anyone else in
the world?
6. Can you picture yourself living
for the rest of your life with this
person “as is,” , with his/her
known shortcomings?
7. Are you both committed to
practicing your faith and drawing
on help from God.

60. The End
And they lived
happily ever after
with a few bumps
here and there.
References: There are so many places I got information from the public domain it
Is hard to list. I have adapted it for the benefit of this presentation. Thank you.